Learning to let go…
If there is such a thing. I’m a little lost emotionally at the moment. I’m trying to find something to hang onto. I don’t really want to hang on to the past because it is riddled with all kinds of heartache and memories that are just too much to process sometimes.
My future…highly uncertain. I know what I want for myself but it is truly hard to find. I wish to find the last true love of my life. You know how they say you find love when you truly aren’t even looking for it. I know that no relationship you have is perfect no matter what picture you paint in your head, the reality is that there will always be a crack in the wall somewhere that you have to repair every once in a while. With marriage, there are something things that just are not repairable no matter how many times you try to fix it, it will only fall apart again. In the end, it is best to recognize this before there is a total break down in communication and the two of you end up hating each other and living on spite. I’m glad we recognized it and protected ourselves against feeling before it was too late. That being said, I loved being married. I will miss it dearly. I am hoping that I will have the chance once again in my life someday. One thing I don’t regret is that I made a lifelong friend, maybe not a lifelong committment as I had vowed to in the beginning, but I never lost my friend through everything that happened and I have God to thank for that, and of course, David, who will always have a very special place in my heart forever. I’m sorry that I failed you and us, but I am not sorry that I let you go so, that you may find true happiness with someone else, and hopefully I will too.
The truth of the matter is I am a very strong willed person. I live for going after what I want in life. Apparently, I need someone else who is like that, otherwise I will drive my partner up a wall? Someone who is always striving to find a new facet of themselves and re-invent themselves every so often. After a while, you need to become a new and improved you? I wish I understood more about that need, but I don’t. It’s just a part of me.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the past year and done many things I am not proud of. I managed to chase a couple of people right out of my life without meaning to which has probably hurt me more than it hurt them. I was blinded by my own emotions and my actions were overwelmingly stupid. I am human and I make mistakes (daily). I am truly sorry to especially one person that I drove away and miss very much. In a perfect world, I could say, I’m sorry and you’d forgive me, but I don’t feel it happening, at least not anytime soon. I am only hoping that you will some day find it in your heart to forgive me because I am sorry.
Not every person is an open book, but I am most of the time. If you ask me a question about myself, you are likely to get a very honest answer because I don’t hide much. The reason being is that I don’t really need to. I can be complicated at times, but I’m really not. I just want the same things that everyone else wants. To be loved, trusted, and respected which is what I try to provide to others as well. Why privatize things that are universal? So learning to let go….is just that, let go, let yourself love, be loved, let your friends take care of you as you take care of them, respect and honor them the way you want to be respected and honored. Love and cherish the people you are with and don’t be afraid. Pay compliments! Pay many compliments! When it comes down to it your words mean more than you’ll ever know to someone else. And above all never be too good to say you’re sorry. We are all wrong sometimes. When you say it, mean it, just like as when you say “I love you!” You have to mean it.
Let your love shine!
God bless you!
